Selfies

By a. sprout | Published: May 5, 2013

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Awhile back on Instagram, Wendy made some comment to the effect of me being a fashionable person who takes pictures of themselves.  I got a little defensive, because yes, I take pictures of myself, but I hardly think of myself as fashionable.  I made me really think about why I take the pictures.

I realized that it started as me not having a mirror at home, and wanting to see how I looked.  Then it was easy to share them.  I didn’t used to dress like this.  Take those pictures up there and imagine in in loose fitting khakis and polo shirts.  So yes, I guess in comparison, fashionable.

While I’m not a believer that it takes a suit to be more professional, but I do think that caring about how you look, and liking how you look, changing your overall mood, and that a better mood makes for a better employee.  So since I wanted to show that I cared, I started trying to really focus on dressing better.  I had hoped it would come with a weight loss, but the fact that it hasn’t, hasn’t really mattered.

The reality of all of this, I really like who I am right now.  I like where I am at in my life.  There are things that I want to change, things that I want to improve (the state of my house) but when you get right down to it, I LIKE me.

It is a hard thing to balance though.  I like me, but I know that my weight and my health are a real risk to me.

So I signed up for a 10K at the end of August.  I’m not sure how I’m going to pull it off

 

Posted in All About Me, Crazy, Fat Girl Style | 1 Comment

Awake

By a. sprout | Published: April 29, 2013

Totally not sure what to write now that I’ve realized that I need to write again.  There is so much to write about.  M’s diagnosis, M’s big old brain full of smart, H being a toddler from hell, volume always up to 11, work stuff (which is why I pretty much stopped writing and reading blogs), home stuff, spring stuff, running stuff, fat stuff, etc.  So, a laundry list, of things I need to write about.  All before Wednesday when I have an interview, to you know, help me de-stress. Hah!

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Layers Like an Onion

By a. sprout | Published: March 4, 2013

There is this point in evaluating and getting help for you kid when you second guess yourself so much about what is normal, and what needs assistance, and what is just a really smart five year old, that you feel like you’ve completely lost track of what is “normal”.  I’ve seen other bloggers go through it.  I’m there.  Its like being a surreal world.

I find myself listening to other kids, eavesdropping like a creep, trying to determine if I hear M talk like that.  I squirm when other kids announce my presence at after school care, wanting just for a moment to see if she does what everyone else does.  Constantly on alert to try to figure out how others perceive her quirky behaviors.  I just want to be done with this part.  I hate surprises.  I love to be prepared, to have through through in my head the 37 different scenarios about how things are going to go down, trying to craft what to say in each one.  I want to know whats next, to know what the plan is so that we can move on to the fixing phase.

I know its not that simple however.  M is not broken.  There is nothing to fix.  There is only understanding and acceptance.  There is learning to work with things instead of fighting with them.  It is the Aikido of parenting.  I know this, because we’ve already seen so much progress.  She needs quiet to finish her work, less distractions.  She needs warning for transitions.  She needs time alone to play.  She needs less things, less options, to come to a decision.  She needs a neat room, she needs help cleaning it, organizing her room like her thoughts is impossible.  It requires shepherding.  It requires resilience. Knowing when to stand firm, to stand your ground and not let the differences be the excuses.

I know I haven’t been the best parent to her lately.  I know it, and it hurts.  I have to to remind myself constantly to remember that she is not what is going on now.  She is such a beautiful and wonderful kid.  I want to see her get through this, so everyone can see that and not just the quirky behaviors.  Everyone, including me.

Posted in Crazy, Family, The Kiddo | Leave a comment

Zen and the Art of Snow Shoveling

By a. sprout | Published: February 22, 2013

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Secret, I love shoveling snow.  It is one of my favorite things to do.  I don’t mean shoveling it in a rush so you can get out the door to work.  I mean the kind of shoveling that you do when it is late at night, or early in the morning, when there is no one else around.  I live in a huge city, next to a busy street, but when I am shoveling at night, it is peaceful.  The zen of it really.  It is methodical, relaxing, and a work out.

Tonight I shoveled after we caught the edge of a big storm.  We don’t seem to have any of our own, we just get the edges of them.  I took my time, got every little bit I could, trying to get the most exercise out of the deal.  I shoveled the back sidewalk even though we don’t use it for anything but taking out the garbage right now.  I shoveled the stairs, even the front ones we don’t use.  I shoveled to find a little peace.

I am struggling and I don’t seem to know why.  Perhaps it is the stress of M’s upcoming psych evals.  Perhaps it is her being sick, not eating well, still being sick, and clearly struggling with her emotional well being.  Perhaps it is work, and my upcoming trip.  Whatever it is, I needed the snow.  I needed to find a little relaxation in the scraping of plastic and metal on concrete, throw left, then throw right, balance in the mundane.

Posted in All About Me, Crazy | 2 Comments