The LOVE Raglan

I keep thinking I’ll relaunch my blog, and be a fitness blogger! Or a sewing blogger! Or a… Yeah, I’m not that organized.  I am just trying, even though it is hard, to write and get out my feelings.  Because I know it is good for me.  Just like running is good for me, writing is good for me too.  While you know, I wait the three damn months it takes to get an appointment with a psychiatrist in this town.

However, today I have sewing!

When I started sewing for my kids, and getting pretty decent at it, I kept putting off sewing for myself.  When I am thinner.  When I am braver.  When I am… there were so many excuses.  Then I found a community of sewists and found patterns and people like me with imperfect bodies that supported each other and had fun.  The Instagram sewing community has been awesome for me.  It has helped me find my sewing mojo again (which took a break for summer because my sewing room is kinda warm).  It also lead me to Rachael from Imagine Gnats.  She is awesome, and she encouraged me from the moment I “met” her.  She let me, the relatively beginner at women’s sewing, do some pattern testing for her.  I have, because of her awesome Alder Skirt pattern, work clothes that I made.  Me! That are flattering and fun.This year though, thanks to Rachael and some others online, I’ve started realizing that putting it off isn’t going to get me what I want.  I need to sew, for me.  So, this last week, for Selfish Sewing Week, I made myself a couple of t-shirts.  I am home virtually full time now, so they are what I need more than cool skirts (of which I have three I made myself)

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The pattern is from GreenStyle Creations.  The Centerfield Raglan.  I love that her patterns come in a wide variety of sizes.  I have a couple more downloaded to try out at some point, but so far I’ve only made this one.  Four times.

The fabric is from Girl Charlee.  They’ve been my go to for cheaper knits.  The 16/yard organic stuff, or the 20+/yard euro imports are awesome, but I don’t feel like I deserve them yet.  Baby steps to selfish sewing.  (though I made a slight exception for another raglan I think I’ll blog about).  The sleeves are a nice lighter jersey cotton/spandex.  Great stable and I have multiple things out of it.  It wears really well.  The center is this awesome LOVE print.  (because it is selfish, self LOVE, hah!) It is on a cotton/polly knit, one of the ones she has printed.  I like her fabric designs, but I find the all over printed ones don’t have enough stretch for what I want.  This heather gray though is a nice medium ground since it isn’t an all over print.  I’ll be getting the foxes on it next.  The fit is perfect.  I used the 2XL bust and 3XL bottom since my bewbs are out of proportion to the rest of me.  Thanks to a screw up cutting, I have another bodice of the same stuff cut out, so I think I’ll make it with different sleeves.  If the only people who see me are my kids and dog, does it matter if I have two near matching shirts? I don’t think so.

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One bonus photo by M.  I volunteered in her class on Monday for Kid’s Cook.  Her school has a classroom garden and I got to make pickles with awesome second graders.   Then I went home & wanted to take a nap.

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Teamwork

I think I might finally be exiting this funk that seems to have plagued me since getting strep for my birthday.  The beginning of 37 was NOT my year.

I am, for the first time since before I got pregnant with H, running, like for real.  Sure, I’ve had a few little fits and starts.  This one feels different.  This one feels… faster.  Not just because well, I am actually going faster.

I am still doing intervals.  I am still doing them at my own pace.  I am still running for a grand total of ten and a half minutes.  I still not a “full runner” in some people’s eyes.

But I have a team.  I have a team that cheers for me every step of the way.  They push me to try harder.  They get me up off of my ass when all I want to do is give up, sit on my butt and eat ALL of the ice cream.

They are friends I have known since I was 12. They are cousins in law.  They are aunts, parents.  They are people I know only via the internet.  Or people I haven’t seen in years but that have made my life richer.  They are people who are making all of the difference.  They are the wife of someone I’ve known for 24 years.

They are my team.  They are my cheering section.  They are the reason I need a belt.

As of right now, I’m trying to get out 2-3 times a week. I started with intervals of one minute running, two minutes walking.  After I felt comfortable, I upped the number of intervals I was doing.  This week, I changed my intervals so that I am running for ninety seconds, and walking for two minutes (and dropped the number of intervals).  Once I am comfortable running for that length of time, I plan to increase the number of intervals again (and drop my cool down, which is at 15 minutes right now).  I am hoping that if I keep following that path, eventually I will be to a point where I can start dropping the walking.  If I don’t though, I’m still winning.  I’m taking it slow and easy in my progressions.  Thinking about where my feet are falling, making sure they aren’t dragging, listening to the rhythm.  I am putting my shoulders back, pulling my gut in, and pushing forward (if the trails are empty, I have been known to grunt out a little “fuck you” or “I can do it” under my breath).

I am doing it all because I am part of a team.

 

 

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I am the fat girl running.

I sort of want to write this deep meaningful thing about being fat and getting back to running, but mostly, I just want to grin from ear to ear.  I want to smile, and jump up and down (scratch that, my knees couldn’t do that) and scream at the top of my lungs that I am fast, super fast, super awesome, and I am going to kick ass, repeatedly.

Today, after years, years, of not doing it, of thinking I couldn’t do it, of recovering from surgeries, planned and unplanned.  After years of babies, then toddlers who didn’t sleep. Years after I got my act together and lost a lot of weight, enough to reduce my risk and lead to a healthy pregnancy with a big ass healthy baby, I may just be doing it again.

I fear writing that.  I have thought I was there, thought I was back on track again, only to fail.  I let other shit get in my way, let my own brain hurt my chances and I gave up, too quickly.

Who knows, maybe it will happen again.  Maybe I will get sick, maybe I will get depressed and eat ice cream instead of running.  But now, right now, in this moment, I need to enjoy this.  I need to celebrate this, I need to feel like I’m winning.

I haven’t felt like that very much lately. I haven’t felt like I was even getting a little ahead.  I felt behind, and falling fast.  I had to remind myself, multiple times a day, that it wouldn’t last, that dark clouds move on, that things get better.

I remember now, what running, what getting faster feels like.  Before it feels like old joints, and sore muscles, it feels like struggle and then triumph.

I am so very very grateful for where I live, just blocks off of some of the most awesome (and relatively hill free) running trails in the city.  I am grateful for every smile and hello from people on the trails (the teenage boys that grin back sort of make my day).  I grateful for the good shoes I can afford that I am sure have helped me out.  I grateful for spandex, seriously.  The compression tights I got may be life changing because I can tell I am recovering better.  I am grateful for the chance to do this.  To show my girls that fitness happens at any size.  I am grateful that one of them is old enough to do races with me, even silly ones in costumes.

I am so very happy that I am able to do this and that it is helping me.

 

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I like to Rick-Roll myself

I recently redid my running/exercising music list.  I am pretty sure MTV is to blame.  I watched the VMA’s because I like to watch train wrecks followed by Beyonce’ (seriously, how cute was her daughter and husband?), and ended up downloading a bunch of current pop music.  I won’t even apologize for the Taylor Swift, given what I saw, she is pretty much the best thing current I can play for the kids.

In the course of the downloads, Apple suggested I get some Rick Astley.  So I did.  So now when I am out huffing and puffing and jogging slower than a fast walker, I occasionally get Rick-Rolled. It makes me giggle.

I wish I wasn’t always at war with myself, struggling with self hatred and my desire to just be a bad ass who doesn’t give a fuck.  I think I am getting better, but there are days, when it seems like I can’t win.  If a little goofy music (I also have a little Right Set Fred and Spice Girls in the mix) can help me remember that life isn’t as serious as it feels sometimes, then that is a small price to pay.  (like six bucks on iTunes for all of the silly really).

 

 

 

 

 

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