I sort of want to write this deep meaningful thing about being fat and getting back to running, but mostly, I just want to grin from ear to ear. I want to smile, and jump up and down (scratch that, my knees couldn’t do that) and scream at the top of my lungs that I am fast, super fast, super awesome, and I am going to kick ass, repeatedly.
Today, after years, years, of not doing it, of thinking I couldn’t do it, of recovering from surgeries, planned and unplanned. After years of babies, then toddlers who didn’t sleep. Years after I got my act together and lost a lot of weight, enough to reduce my risk and lead to a healthy pregnancy with a big ass healthy baby, I may just be doing it again.
I fear writing that. I have thought I was there, thought I was back on track again, only to fail. I let other shit get in my way, let my own brain hurt my chances and I gave up, too quickly.
Who knows, maybe it will happen again. Maybe I will get sick, maybe I will get depressed and eat ice cream instead of running. But now, right now, in this moment, I need to enjoy this. I need to celebrate this, I need to feel like I’m winning.
I haven’t felt like that very much lately. I haven’t felt like I was even getting a little ahead. I felt behind, and falling fast. I had to remind myself, multiple times a day, that it wouldn’t last, that dark clouds move on, that things get better.
I remember now, what running, what getting faster feels like. Before it feels like old joints, and sore muscles, it feels like struggle and then triumph.
I am so very very grateful for where I live, just blocks off of some of the most awesome (and relatively hill free) running trails in the city. I am grateful for every smile and hello from people on the trails (the teenage boys that grin back sort of make my day). I grateful for the good shoes I can afford that I am sure have helped me out. I grateful for spandex, seriously. The compression tights I got may be life changing because I can tell I am recovering better. I am grateful for the chance to do this. To show my girls that fitness happens at any size. I am grateful that one of them is old enough to do races with me, even silly ones in costumes.
I am so very happy that I am able to do this and that it is helping me.