The Other Shoe

I have spent so much time being anxious lately, and I just haven’t been able to put my finger on why.  Even my OB can tell that something is up.  She knew my history last pregnancy, and I don’t remember her ever asking about how my depression was doing other than our plan to head off the possibility of postpartum issues.  This time she asks every appointment, making sure I am taking my meds (I am) and that things are manageable.

I think I finally figured out how to put it in words.

My life is so good, so wonderful, that I am terrified of something going wrong.  I have… everything.  I have a job that while annoying still makes me laugh, still pays me, provides me with good benefits.  Even if I walk away from it, it will have been one of the best jobs I have ever held. My daughter is an amazon, growing bigger every day.  She kind and sweet, and I have some how lucked out in that she eats her vegetables, likes dinosaurs as much as princesses, and has already started to outsmart me.  I have a roof over my head, a warm dog to snuggle with me, and a partner who loves me and never gives up on me.

Of course, there are issues.  Who doesn’t have issues.  But I have the life I wanted, with all of its little imperfections.

There is so much unknown with adding to our family.  There was the looming threat that it wouldn’t be possible, or would require more work than I was sure I could do.  And now that it is becoming possible, that we are nearly half way to having it really happen… I fear it all going away.

I fear the other shoe.

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4 Comments

  1. Emily
    Posted January 21, 2011 at 11:50 pm | Permalink

    You may think I’m nuts but the thing that helped my ppd/ anxiety the most was placenta encapsulation. I would tke a couple of them and within an hour could feel myself relax.

    It sounds SO crazy, I know! But it really helped me. Better to head these things off at the pass.

  2. Posted January 22, 2011 at 1:42 pm | Permalink

    That is always a fear of mine, but then sometimes even when (and if) the other shoe drops you realize that you are still so very blessed and lucky. Somehow knowing I’ve gotten through other shoes before help me realize I can make it through it again, if I had to.

  3. Posted January 22, 2011 at 8:01 pm | Permalink

    :( That’s not a nice feeling at all. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I don’t necessarily feel like I worry as much about stuff like this, but when I do find myself worrying I try to remind myself that if something does happen in one aspect of my life it won’t take away all the other great things I’ve been blessed with. Obviously it’s not a life changing alternative, but it does help me. Also, I have to remember what the chances of something like that (whatever it is I’m worrying about) actually happening. I hope you’re able to put those thoughts aside and enjoy your time with your little one growing inside you.
    Casey recently posted..Mamavation Monday- Week 4

  4. Posted January 25, 2011 at 2:45 pm | Permalink

    Im not sure if you’ve seen this, but I thought of you when I read it. http://craftingmylife.com/the-downside-of-the-upside/
    Casey recently posted..Mamavation Monday- Week 5

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