I have heard more than once from women who experienced traumatic births that they were left with lasting consequences. Flashbacks, anxiety, PTSD.
I thought I was immune. I thought that the same “it will be fine” mentality that got me through my rising blood pressure when I was pregnant with M would carry me through again this time. I thought that since I was healthier, since I knew the risks and went in to it willingly that it would all be OK.
I was wrong.
Today I thought my blood pressure was going up. I was bloated all of a sudden. I was far away from home and stuck needing to work where I couldn’t just rest it off.
I freaked out. I started worrying about how I couldn’t feel the baby moving, even though I know it is too early to be able to feel it regularly. I worried that I had endangered myself and the parasite by selfishly traveling.
Even though I was able to go to a pharmacy and check my blood pressure. It was high, likely from my brisk walk, and it went down to a perfectly normal after I saw for five minutes. Even though I know that is was likely a combination of salty restaurant food and flying, I am still shaken up. Still emotional and on edge.
I don’t know how to get over this. I don’t know if I am ever going to be able to relax and enjoy this. I’m afraid. Really truly afraid.
Fortunately I have an ultrasound right away when I get back, and a doctor appointment the day after that. I am thinking that to help me manage my concern, I may try to get more regular blood pressure checks. If nothing else than for my own piece of mind.