Lasting Wounds

I have heard more than once from women who experienced traumatic births that they were left with lasting consequences.  Flashbacks, anxiety, PTSD.

I thought I was immune.  I thought that the same “it will be fine” mentality that got me through my rising blood pressure when I was pregnant with M would carry me through again this time.  I thought that since I was healthier, since I knew the risks and went in to it willingly that it would all be OK.

I was wrong.

Today I thought my blood pressure was going up.  I was bloated all of a sudden.  I was far away from home and stuck needing to work where I couldn’t just rest it off.

I freaked out.  I started worrying about how I couldn’t feel the baby moving, even though I know it is too early to be able to feel it regularly.  I worried that I had endangered myself and the parasite by selfishly traveling.

Even though I was able to go to a pharmacy and check my blood pressure.  It was high, likely from my brisk walk, and it went down to a perfectly normal after I saw for five minutes.  Even though I know that is was likely a combination of salty restaurant food and flying, I am still shaken up.  Still emotional and on edge.

I don’t know how to get over this.  I don’t know if I am ever going to be able to relax and enjoy this.  I’m afraid.  Really truly afraid.

Fortunately I have an ultrasound right away when I get back, and a doctor appointment the day after that.   I am thinking that to help me manage my concern, I may try to get more regular blood pressure checks.  If nothing else than for my own piece of mind.

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2 Comments

  1. Posted February 5, 2011 at 11:09 pm | Permalink

    Hugs! You will figure it out. The doctor can help you come up with a game plan and I’m always free to talk. I’ll be praying for you and parasite friend.
    Liz recently posted..A Too Much-Not Enough Week

  2. Emily
    Posted February 6, 2011 at 1:21 am | Permalink

    Eats LOTS of cucumbers and celery. Watermelon if you can get it. My bloating was pretty bad and my midwife had me get an alfalfa supplement at whole foods. It really helped.

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