It lurks in the shadows, waiting for me to let my guard down. I know it is there, it is always there. However, when the hormones are leaving me and sleep is hard to find, it gets closer.
When M was born I left the hospital with a prescription for an anti-depressant. I filled it when I went back to work and realized I was having a hard time keeping up with it all. This time I just kept taking the happy pills during my pregnancy, knowing that when it was over, their presence would be appreciated. Now I think they are keeping it there, just out of reach, where it can’t get me.
It is trying hard however. It comes closer at time when I realize that being an introvert means that spending all of my waking and sleeping hours with two kids is wearing on me. I just want some time alone where I’m responsible for no one but me. It is there when I can’t get it all done, when the ants are back on the counter because I go from making lunch, to feeding H while eating myself and I fall asleep with her before I can make it back to the kitchen to wipe the crumbs from the cutting board. I’ll get to it later I tell myself. It is there, just where I can see it when I am rationalizing the cookies.
I fight, I keep it away. I make a meal I’m proud of, and we all eat, at the table, while the baby sleeps. It is forced back into the shadows when I get my time alone, to read blogs and talk politics on twitter. It is going to get kicked to the curb when I finally start running again, alone, without anyone to bug me or need me when it is just me and the road.
The fighting, the drop in hormones, the hair falling out, the return of PMS, it is worth it. She’s beautiful and some day here soon, she’s going do more than just eat my shirt because I smell milky. She’s going to smile, and babble, and hold her head up, and still eat my shirt because I smell milky.