We were driving back from our little mini vacation in Wisconsin (note to self, never underestimate the value of a good bed and pillows) this weekend, listening to AM sports radio. This is what we do in our family. We take road trips in fall and listen to football on the way home. I am pretty sure this is the only time people in my general age range listen to AM radio, based on the ads and public service announcements.
So one of the lovely, clearly geared and someone 20 years or more older than me, ads came on. It was about osteoarthritis. Basically, get out and move and it makes the pain less. Also, every pound you lose take four pounds of pressure off of each knee. I need to take four hundred pounds of pressure off of each knee.
We don’t have a mirror in our house that goes past my boobs. The last time I owned a full length mirror was well, never. Either they’ve come with the apartment, or I haven’t had one. Mirrors just break after all, right? Who needs bad luck. I haven’t seen myself, naked, or next to naked in years. Sure, dressing rooms have big mirrors, but there it is all about getting the clothes on as fast as I can so I can get done with having to buy something in a size I don’t want.
The hotel room, the one with the worst beds ever, had a full length mirror. Actually, it had three. After looking at myself in one, I mean really looking at myself, well, I can’t really put it in to words.
I just wanted to cry.
I’m feeling the pain of that 800 pounds in my knees, my ankles, my feet. I’m getting too old to do that to my joints.
I don’t want to feel like crying when I look in the mirror.
I didn’t track what I ate, I enjoyed too much bacon, I had a steak, I ate fries more than once. 16 pounds per knee.
I’ve seriously considered weaning H so I can work on losing weight without the constraints of breastfeeding. I’ve debated leaving the girls in daycare longer my “only as long as it takes me to get done with work” rule allows so I can go work out, at gym, that costs money.
I’m unhappy. I’m struggling. I want my body back. I want to take my time in the dressing room. I want my knees to thank me instead of protesting.