Four Pounds. Each.

We were driving back from our little mini vacation in Wisconsin (note to self, never underestimate the value of a good bed and pillows) this weekend, listening to AM sports radio.  This is what we do in our family.  We take road trips in fall and listen to football on the way home.  I am pretty sure this is the only time people in my general age range listen to AM radio, based on the ads and public service announcements.

So one of the lovely, clearly geared and someone 20 years or more older than me, ads came on.  It was about osteoarthritis.  Basically, get out and move and it makes the pain less.  Also, every pound you lose take four pounds of pressure off of each knee. I need to take four hundred pounds of pressure off of each knee.

Yeah.

We don’t have a mirror in our house that goes past my boobs.  The last time I owned a full length mirror was well, never.  Either they’ve come with the apartment, or I haven’t had one.  Mirrors just break after all, right? Who needs bad luck.  I haven’t seen myself, naked, or next to naked in years.  Sure, dressing rooms have big mirrors, but there it is all about getting the clothes on as fast as I can so I can get done with having to buy something in a size I don’t want.

The hotel room, the one with the worst beds ever, had a full length mirror.  Actually, it had three.  After looking at myself in one, I mean really looking at myself, well, I can’t really put it in to words.

I just wanted to cry.

I’m feeling the pain of that 800 pounds in my knees, my ankles, my feet.  I’m getting too old to do that to my joints.

I don’t want to feel like crying when I look in the mirror.

I didn’t track what I ate, I enjoyed too much bacon, I had a steak, I ate fries more than once.  16 pounds per knee.

I’ve seriously considered weaning H so I can work on losing weight without the constraints of breastfeeding.  I’ve debated leaving the girls in daycare longer my “only as long as it takes me to get done with work” rule allows so I can go work out, at gym, that costs money.

I’m unhappy.  I’m struggling.  I want my body back.  I want to take my time in the dressing room.  I want my knees to thank me instead of protesting.

 

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2 Comments

  1. Posted October 17, 2011 at 10:05 pm | Permalink

    I know exactly how you feel. I also have about 100 pounds to lose and it seems absolutely insurmountable. When I had to give up nursing my son when he was 6 months old (due to latching issues), I have to admit I was a little relieved because now I could “lose weight like a normal person.” Um, if that is true, normal people suck at losing weight!

    Anyway, I know where you are and I empathize. However, it is possible to lose weight while nursing (you actually have to make sure you eat *enough*…it’s crazy!)…it’s just harder for some people (like me!).
    Melinda recently posted..Dear Monday 10/17/2011

  2. Posted October 21, 2011 at 11:58 am | Permalink

    Do you think you’d be happier, a better mom, if you had the time to devote attention to taking care of yourself? If so, I think its worth it. Its worth the cost of the gym, if you can swing it. Its worth leaving them at school longer. If it makes you happier, you should do it.

    But don’t forget to enjoy bacon and fries (every once in awhile) =)
    Marta recently posted..Things I’ve Never Done

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