It is hot. Too hot to have my computer on, too hot to do anything but sit and drink cold beverages, too hot to blog. However, there is just so much going on in my head.
A week from the time this publishes, I will have my tonsils out. It is one thing to say yes, I need to do this, I need to have this done soon. It is another to have a date on the calendar, a packet of information about what not to do before surgery, and be thinking about how this is real. This is anesthesia like I’ve never had before, with breathing tubes and all. I am scared. I am scared of the breathing tube. I am scared that there is something nasty hiding in my tonsils (they have gotten worse in the last year) that they will find. I am scared of not being able to take care of my family because I’m going to need to just care about myself (or be too out of it to notice).
It is not all fear however. I am happy about my weight loss. It isn’t easy. I had an off week. Schitzo the scale says I lost a pound, I say its likely a wash. I’m starting to care about how a look again. Something that hasn’t happened since well… its been a couple of years. I’ve started posting near daily self portraits on Instagram. Inspired a bit by Susan, though you know, without her body.
I have invested a few new items of clothing so that I can “up my game” as far as work dress goes. Things that I hope will be forgiving as I lost weight (dresses, skirts). I find that I’ve shrunk out of most pants to the point where I am uncomfortable wearing them to work. Its a good thing, but when I’m trying to save money for things like school supplies and a new computer. Especially when everyone is telling me that I will likely lose weight as part of the surgery recovery. My response continues to be that I’ve got weight to lose. I know I will likely gain some back, but I’d like to level out with something resembling what I would have lost had I not you know, had a body part removed.
Those are some of my favorite outfits I’ve done. I think I may start trying to blog about them some. It will force me to put effort in to accessorizing some. Also, I haven’t found many if any online fashion blogs that fit my sensibility and size. Not to mention, losing weight presents some definite style challenges that I figure somebody out there has to be able to learn from.
I’m also starting to have major anxiety about M starting school, real school not daycare that we call school, in the fall. She’s a sensitive kid. She’s emotion and loving and fearful and it is going to be hard. I can see that now. I’m nervous about any thing I need to do to change my work schedule to help her adjust. I’m nervous about the cost of school supplies, especially since as we’re trying to teach her responsibility and cost we are also coming up against the fact that supplies are shared between kids and well, it makes me uncomfortable. Then there is the big fear of the unknown about other kids. Have I mentioned she’s sensitive? She doesn’t have a bestie at daycare, and I want her to have that so bad. I never really did, not until I was much much older. (even know I have friends, but one single best friend… not that is anywhere close to where I live)
Its all so much. The heat makes it hard to sleep and when I can’t sleep I think, and I have crazy dreams. Anxious dreams about surgery and the kids and work. I hope when it cools off I get a little rest so I can go in to the surgery at least a little relaxed.
But then again, the baby is walking now… And climbing.