Et tu bloge’?

… should I blog?

OK, so here is the deal.  I want to blog, I do, but I’m tired and burnt out, and my house is a mess and I am like three steps from a hoarders intervention because I keep buying new clothes because the toddler rubs her greasy messy face on them & ruins them, but I don’t have time to get rid of the old ones, and if I had lost weight I could wear the old ones, but lets be honest, I haven’t worked out since before Thanksgiving week when everyone got the stomach flu, then everyone got a cold, then everyone got another fucking cold, then we moved a whole building worth of people at work and last weekend was the first two days off in a row I’ve had, and even at that it involved ANOTHER sick kid (who gets man colds it seems), and did I mention the need for a clutter intervention?

I fucking love run on sentences.  Seriously, because that is how my brain actually functions.  Like one giant sort of slightly related, maybe a non sequitur thrown in for good measure, run on sentence.  Of all of the things to come out of the ongoing “does she or who the hell were we kidding, yes she does” thing with M is that I am pretty sure I have ADHD.  I am more like my oldest daughter than either one of us will ever completely admit to, especially when she gets to be a teen.  I am smart, wicked smart, and it hides my failings really well, but I see them.  My cracks show.  The less sleep I get, the more I taken on, the more they show.  I’ve been struggling to get to “the next level” in so many things in my life, and while it is not an excuse, it explains why I just. keep. failing.  Not for lack of desire, or smarts, but because my mental glitch, combined with the non stop, never ending reality of being a grown up, gets in the way.  I swear, I try.  I am not lazy.  Promise.

So now, for me, it becomes a game, of sorts.  Trying to figure out how to explain it all, to get myself help, to cure some bad habits.  To convince the powers that be that despite a successful career, a great family, a loving husband, that yes, I really do need help.  Because, one of the days, the cracks are going to grow, and I will lose the control I fight to maintain every day.  Every time I think about it I get a little PTSD moment to my one lone inpatient psych stay.  The one where the attending didn’t believe that I could be a successful, six figure earning, 22 year old, who also committed herself to an inpatient psych ward in NYC because she was suicidal. Yeah, that little flashback was tons of fun.

All of this of course while I sort through the paperwork, the piles and piles of paperwork, and navigate the bureaucracy of our education system, and advocate for my daughter who is just. like. me.  And go to therapy for me, and taken on new fun stuff at work, and try to maintain my focus through the first class I’ve taken in years, and deal with a toddler who still will not sleep on her own.

More than my dry skin is cracking around here.

So, blogging, yeah.  Where do I find the time? Is it really important for me? How do I find a community when it seems like the writing, the blogging, is diluted in the “branding”.  I can’t even search food blogs for good ideas any more, so polluted with other crap is the “blogosphere”.  I’m not begging for comments (but I don’t mind them, lets be realistic, if I didn’t care this would be in a word document on my computer), but is it worth it? I need opinions, ideas, some encouragement that “branding” has not won.

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4 Comments

  1. Posted January 25, 2013 at 3:04 am | Permalink

    I think Swistle’s insane (but under the radar!) popularity is a pretty good indication that the branding has not totally won ;) It’s just a different niche of bloggers, but they exist!
    Carolyn recently posted..Just Call Me Warden Carolyn

  2. Posted January 25, 2013 at 10:07 am | Permalink

    Hell, I’m right there with you. Solidarity? :)
    PikaPikaChick recently posted..I am not alone in my stupidity

  3. Posted January 28, 2013 at 5:54 pm | Permalink

    Remember me? Yeah, the one who had a second baby and disappeared off the face of the blogosphere. I totally get where you’re coming from. I can’t find time to get a haircut or dress in anything but jeans (I’m sure my coworkers think I’m a complete slob these days), let alone blog. But I miss the sense of community that comes with it, and I miss the act of written expression (because let’s face it, writing hundreds of pages of functional and technical requirements specification documents weekly just doesn’t cut it on the expression front). I think you should keep it up, because even though I rarely comment on anything anymore I want to tell you that I do stop by regularly and your musings are a bright ray of sunshine in my overly-complicated, stressed out, too busy days.

  4. Posted February 1, 2013 at 4:28 pm | Permalink

    The time is certainly a big thing, but back before social media became big, blogging was the only way to express yourself online. Now it is way easier to spit out a tweet or a status update. And the sad part is that it is easier to get others to respond and care about what you say in these mini forms of expression. So, why keep on blogging? No answer for you. If you want to keep a diary, why not keep a diary? If you want to write professionally, makes more sense nowadays to either write a book, or try to get on staff at something like Babble or Huffington Post. I’ve been blogging for eight years, so I know a lot of people already, so I continue. But if I were a new blogger, I would think it would be very tough to find your peers nowadays unless you branded yourself completely.
    Neil recently posted..The Photo is the Story

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