Layers Like an Onion

There is this point in evaluating and getting help for you kid when you second guess yourself so much about what is normal, and what needs assistance, and what is just a really smart five year old, that you feel like you’ve completely lost track of what is “normal”.  I’ve seen other bloggers go through it.  I’m there.  Its like being a surreal world.

I find myself listening to other kids, eavesdropping like a creep, trying to determine if I hear M talk like that.  I squirm when other kids announce my presence at after school care, wanting just for a moment to see if she does what everyone else does.  Constantly on alert to try to figure out how others perceive her quirky behaviors.  I just want to be done with this part.  I hate surprises.  I love to be prepared, to have through through in my head the 37 different scenarios about how things are going to go down, trying to craft what to say in each one.  I want to know whats next, to know what the plan is so that we can move on to the fixing phase.

I know its not that simple however.  M is not broken.  There is nothing to fix.  There is only understanding and acceptance.  There is learning to work with things instead of fighting with them.  It is the Aikido of parenting.  I know this, because we’ve already seen so much progress.  She needs quiet to finish her work, less distractions.  She needs warning for transitions.  She needs time alone to play.  She needs less things, less options, to come to a decision.  She needs a neat room, she needs help cleaning it, organizing her room like her thoughts is impossible.  It requires shepherding.  It requires resilience. Knowing when to stand firm, to stand your ground and not let the differences be the excuses.

I know I haven’t been the best parent to her lately.  I know it, and it hurts.  I have to to remind myself constantly to remember that she is not what is going on now.  She is such a beautiful and wonderful kid.  I want to see her get through this, so everyone can see that and not just the quirky behaviors.  Everyone, including me.