I’ve spent the last seven, eight months, listening to a lie.
I excused it as stress, as situations, as my own failing as a mom, as a person, as a grown up. I buried my feelings in food, in work, in just getting through another damn day. I blamed myself. I took it out on myself, on my husband, on my kids. It was a lie though.
The Bloggess is right, because depression lies. It tells you that it is all your fault, it makes it feel like it will never change, like nothing can be done with it.
I’ve spent the better part of 20 years diagnosed with depression, and it is something I’ve likely spent my whole life dealing with. That genetic difference that makes my brain chemistry just a little messed up. Maybe even more messed up if I, like M, have ADHD/ADD.
Last night I lost with M, the kind of screaming, hollering, drag your kid up by the arm roughly because you just can’t take one more “yeah I’m doing it” when clearly they are not and I snapped. I sat on the couch and cried and realize that the bitch depression had been lying all along. She was wrong, it wasn’t my fault, and I could deal with it. I’m better than this. I’m a better mom, a better wife, a better employee.
I may fall under her spell again, fall down again, it happens, it will happen again, and again. For now though, I’m calling the bitch out. I’m fighting back.
Today I canceled my Weight Watchers membership. The stress of counting points, and trying to control other things is too much. I traded it in for a (cheaper) option to help me track my carb intake, the key to so many of my health issues. It comes without shame & failure. Just keep my carb intake to under 40% of my calorie intake.
Today I went for a walk, even though it was hard, even though I pushed myself to walk over three miles even though I haven’t exercised in 6 months, even though my feet ache.
Today I made the choice to shut the bitch up.
Tomorrow I call my doctor and make a six month overdue appointment, I ask my new boss for more guidance, and I go for another walk, this time with my girls, and I will have fun, and I will take back control.