Funk

“I just want to have fun again!”

The moment I said it, I knew it was one of those universal parenting truths that you think, but that should never pass your lips.  Like “I miss being able to go more than two hours without peeing.”

Some days I wonder if I was really cut out for being parent, like somehow the universe got it wrong and maybe my my PCOS should have meant no kids and I should be vacationing in Europe right now.  I know that this is passing, that the funk I’m in won’t last forever and being a mom will be fun again.  Right now though, I totally get how some moms can just walk away from their kids.

I’ve been in a funk since before my birthday.  I sort of figured that it would all be better in September.  So far I’m zero for one.  I am sure that it doesn’t help that my therapist is on maternity leave until January.

 

 

Posted in Crazy, Family | 2 Comments

I should be writing about my relationship with my father….

So I tried writing about race and realized that I have already said everything before.  I mean, I have things to say, I just need to figure out what the hell they are.

What I really need write about though is the crap with my dad.  Because I promised my therapist I would.

Recently my dad was interviewed by my hometown paper.  Talking about the impact of MST (Military Sexual Trauma) on him, on his life, and his dealings with the VA.  It is a great, it is powerful to talk about something that doesn’t make the news, but that impacts so many.  It is so good that it is getting out there.

There is something missing though.  There nothing, not one fucking word, about how he fucked up my life, my brother’s life, my mom’s life.  It is nothing but a goddamn ego stroke to him. Nothing about how his PTSD left me with anxiety, unable to handle confrontation without cowering.   Nothing about how as a child I tiptoed around my own house at night for fear of him waking up and yelling, screaming, calling names, belittling me.  Nothing about how he would try to make it better with shallow gestures that I thought were meaningful until the next time.

He posted it on facebook and was met with oo’s and ahh’s about how brave he is, and it took everything, all of my self control, to not tell his adoring fans to fuck off.

I spent a long time trying to convince myself that everyone had a crappy childhood.  That we were all just lying to each other about how good things were, how it really sucked.

Now that I’m older, I’m done lying about it.   I just want it acknowledged.  As publicly as he is willing to talk about his MST & PTSD.  I want a “I have PTSD, my CO raped me, and I fucked up my kids because of it”. That seems fair.

It isn’t going to cure my anxiety.  It isn’t going to make my fear of confrontation go away.  It is going to make the panic attacks stop.  It isn’t going to magically make me happy.  But it matters to me.  Maybe if his talking about his experience can help other vets, then maybe his being honest about being an asshole can help some other kid who had a dad who blew up at nothing, who verbally abused them.

I know I’m all over the map about it, but I have to get it out.  Because I can’t tell him to piss off, that he should be talking about what he did.

I’m trying to have compassion.  But still balance my need to figure out my own mental health, with the fact that I am realistic about how he’s going to likely be the first grandparent to go.  How it matters to me that my kids know him, this new him, the one I didn’t get.

All I wanted him to say was yes, he was hurt, and because he was hurt, he hurt other people to.  Because it being all about him still is just too much like tiptoeing around as kid.

Posted in but it needs to be said., Crazy, Family | 1 Comment

Me. Because.

Because sometimes you need a distractions from the constant stream of bad news (more again today).  Because it is fun, and right now, fun is the order of the day.

Who was your favorite celebrity as a child?
Boy George, at least when I was really young.  It took me awhile to figure out that she was a he.  Though I realize now it was fitting.  Me liking someone who was being themselves in the face who knows what.  I am a bit embarrassed to say what I actually thought lyrics to Karma Chameleon actually were.  It only took me like 25 years to figure that out.
What type of pets do you have?
A dog, Tess.  The world’s most expensive adorable lap warmer.  I used to have cats, then I married a man who is crazy allergic to them.  So now I stalk people’s cats on Instagram.
What is most memorable about your high school years?
Learning how to say fuck it to my home town.  Realizing I wasn’t going to let that place and what happened to me there define me.  I realized later on that I should have tried to stay friends and keep in touch with the people who saw through my bullshit and were my friends anyway.  However, I am not sure I could have ever made it if I had stayed there.
What word describes you best?
Weird.
What is your greatest accomplishment?
I don’t think it has happened yet.
What drives you every day?
Starbucks.
What is your favorite food?
Sushi.
Where do you want to retire?
I don’t really want to retire.  The thought of doing “nothing” all day scares the crap out of me. 
What is your business goal this year?
Learning how to write a semi complicated SQL query on my own.
Who do you admire?
Julia Child.
If you were invisible, where would you go?
I would spy on my daughter at school.  She’s a tough nut to crack, and I would love to see what drives her when she’s not around us.
What is the kindest thing anyone has done for you?
Being my friend.
What would you do with a million dollars?
Pay off my debts and travel.
Why were you given your name?
My parents were stoned, I have it on pretty good authority.  They wanted to name me Kali, but thought THAT was weird, and named me instead something similar, green, leafy, and very popular right now.  This is not how I expected to find my name on things.  It is also a color of car (KIA Soul).
What do you know how to say in a foreign language?
I can count and say please & thank you in most of the European languages.  I can say a bit more in Spanish.  I used to be able to swear in Italian.
What is your all time favorite joke?
I warn, its a dirty joke.I don’t know why, but it makes me giggle every time I tell it. I am a 12 year old boy.
What is the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?
The Rolling Stones say “Hey you, get off of my cloud” and a Scotsman says “He McCloud get off of my ewe?”.
Posted in All About Me | 1 Comment

The Missing Piece

Its weird you know, to realize the space that someone took up in your life, and then realize the gap that is there.

I don’t make friends easily.  Never have known why.  I guess I’m weird? Whatever the reason, I treasure the friends that I have.  Especially the ones that stick with me when I’m a flake and antisocial and just busy.

It seems weird, but how do I fill this space? Space filled by someone you talked to nearly every week day for a year and a half? Someone you could go to, when things were crappy? Someone you could go to when excited?

Kind, generous souls don’t just fucking grow on trees.  Especially not in IT where there are egos, and EGOS and more than a few people who lack basic social skills.

I thought today would be easier.  It wasn’t.  I thought working from home would be better, than I could just work from home, and forget that hole in the office.  I don’t think its going to work.  I may be the most social introvert ever, but I think I need the office. I need something, to fill the space.

 

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